I seem to have lost all control over myself in the battle against odds that have emerged victorious at every front in my life. I have been so caught up straightening out the messed up threads of my life, that I have lost the feel of the fabric of blogging, the joy of letting my inner self loose in it’s loving expanse.
Half of 2014 flew past in a flurry. To be very honest, I have been too occupied fighting my demons that I hardly ever stopped to take note of what day or date it was Though Pari’s school schedule has been my savior on that front, to some extent.
With school holidays ending in a couple of days, I am hoping to put an end to the chaos in my life, make record of all I have been up to, learn from my mistakes and get working on being an optimist, again.
It’s that time of the year when I celebrate anniversaries of two key life-changing events of my life. Birth of my baby and my divorce.
Till sometime back, I could have conveniently labelled the above two events as good and bad but with time and lot of insight, I now call them both as ‘Good’ events.
I have over time, learnt to re-live the fond memories of my married life without missing or hating or even feeling bitter about the man who is no longer part of my life. Yes, I have grown enough to cherish the good times without even thinking of the man part of it in any which way.
With the past taken due care of, the next challenge had been my relations and relatives in present life. Just as I had thought of relying on my siblings and extended family for emotional support, my mother’s cancer came as an eye- opener. The evil of suffering from cancer can have a million bad effects but a few good ones too.
Yes, with mum’s diagnosis of cancer people whom I had marked for the rainy day fled like the mosquitoes run on switching on Good Night. Among the extended family, my mother’s favourite child my elder brother too abandoned us ( more importantly my mother) calling her a liability in face, never to look back and check on her well being in past 9 months.
Misfortune seems to have shifted in permanently in my life, creating havoc at whim. What my brother did, left my mother depressed, broken, shaken, miserable and heart broken beyond what cancer could have done to her.
It has taken Dad and me months to help her see the good in being abandoned by her favourite child. I know repeated use of ‘favourite’ is pretty evident in my words, but I want it so for it holds deep meaning for me. I’ll do a detailed post on that a little later.
So this has been the major breaking point for my mother besides the many medical complications that sent her of a rough ride of depression that swept me off while I cared for her night and day.
I have lost a major bit of myself, my grit and soul in the past nine months, emerging a depressed, irritable, sore monster, ready to bite anyone who dared to come near me.