Being free

Though I seem to have slowed down on the writing front, but the actual slowing is of the number of published posts. I have actually been writing almost daily only to end up leaving those posts in the draft. The reason being, I am so tired by the end of the day when the computer clock is saying it’s already 23:00 that I have no energy left to re-read all that I have been typing frantically, let alone find energy to actually publish my daily post. Though by the time I finally shut down my computer it’s already 01:00 a.m.

My day starts when the clock strikes 06:30. But the hours that I spent lying on the bed aren’t always the time when I am resting or even sleeping. I wake up almost two to three times every night, troubled, worried with an acid filled mouth as if someone woke me from deep sleep. I rush to check on Pari only to find her sleeping at peace. It is a  daily common occurrence.

The result being, I wake up tired as if I haven’t slept at all only to get back to the daily never-ending, ever-increasing chores. Sometimes I wonder if I should somehow break this routine and run to some place where life exists at a cooler pace, is stress free and I can live like I used to few years back. After indulging in such beautiful day-dreams I heave a sigh and return back to the daily grind.

Independence is something I strongly miss in my life. I have spent a lot of time away from my parent’s home. In fact, I stepped out soon after I finished school. Then college happened (that was in a different city) followed by my marriage and I moved overseas and after a long break of living an independent life, am back to the nest with a little one of my own. The experience is very different from what I had embedded in my memories.

It’s the same house, the same people yet something in me wants to be independent again, maybe I have changed from what I once used to be. It’s nothing to do with my life in my parent’s home for I am a free bird with no restrictions of any sort. Just like it always was. But still I want to be on my own. Earn my own money, bring up my daughter my way, have my own rules and many other things.

Though I absolutely understand that though this seemingly beautiful dream of independence can be a reality someday, but it won’t be without many ifs and buts that are invisible in my parent’s home. The minute this realization dawns on me, my wings craving to soar high can feel the massive load of the responsibilities I have and am back to the reality.

Though I cannot pinpoint what it exactly is, but, that craving to be free rises in my heart every now and then. Maybe the day the worries of the court case will end, I’ll be free or maybe the day I’ll get back to work will my nightmares end or maybe all these fears and worries will be a part of me forever. I don’t know what lies ahead. I have no understanding of what will make me happy from within. But, the longing to reach that point of perfect happiness is my driving force.

I’ll keep working towards peace, till one day I’ll attain it.

This is what I love about life, it’s unpredictability. Anything is possible and this very hope keeps us going. If we could see our future, life would end the very day it would start, for we all are mortal and have a similar end. It’s the journey of this unseen life that makes every joy, every pain, every worry add beautiful colors to the canvas of life.

The song on my mind: Kal ho na ho ~ Kal ho na ho

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31 thoughts on “Being free

  1. Sometimes the reality is hard to face, but that is what will give you strength and experience for your future independent life. You are an amazing woman with great will power and determination. Going on to be independent is not very difficult thing for you at all. It’s just the matter of time. Hope all is well there…
    PS: Nice and refreshing look on the blog!

    1. I agree Anu, experiences teach us a lot. They teach us to recognize truth from illusions and many importnat things which good times can never make us learn.
      I am glad you liked the new look :)
      All OK at my end…How have you been?

  2. I guess at times we all want an independent life and yet we also miss the people around whom we have been living and used to have around. I many times get those thoughts and yet I was away for 3 years from my home in another city and I also remember how badly I wanted my family and all my friends when alone in another town… ! :)

    Still sometimes I do have this strong urge to run away to the Hills and lead a Gypsy life… eating and sleeping in a new town everyday ! kinda lil different from you want… but well..

    1. I totally understand what you meant Hitchy.

      I guess everyone of us has moments like these when we want to be on our own, at peace, in the lap of nature and no stresses looming over our mind. Well we might not get there, but once in a while thinking about it can also be therapeutic :)

  3. Why don’t you try meditation and yoga, regularly ? Painting also gives relief from stress. Try not to take full load of the stress on your shoulders all the time. Everyday, let your mom or someone take care of pari for sometime, and do something which you really like, something which recharges you :)

    1. Thank you CC for that great tip.

      I ahve actually been trying to spare an hour or two for myself where in I leave Pari with my mum and go out for an evening walk. It sure does make me feel more alive :)

  4. ME I cant even imagine what you must be going through at the moment, yet theres so much of hope and positivity in your words! I truly admire you for the strong person you are! wishing you loads of happiness in life! Hugs & take care :)

  5. I know that feeling.. same here I got about 100+ posts in draft at one atage or other. Some I don’t know how to finish.. some I haven’t been able to finish.. and also some I just don’t like myself..

    I feel tires all the time for some reason these days don’t know why…

    And that is a good song..

    Well if we work towards something with all heart we will get there very soon.. you wi too.. take care and god bless…

    1. I too have around 30 posts in drafts incomplete or yet to be proof-read or too sensitive to be published in my current circumstances. Once am out of the mess, many things on this blog are going to change besides the big changes you’ll notice in my attitude :)
      Amen to your prayer Bikram :)

  6. ‘This is what I love about life, it’s unpredictability. Anything is possible and this very hope keeps us going. If we could see our future, life would end the very day it would start, for we all are mortal and have a similar end. It’s the journey of this unseen life that makes every joy, every pain, every worry add beautiful colors to the canvas of life.’

    – Just love these lines, ME. If only we remember this, when we are in times of turmoil, then, I think we can conquer anything. And, needless to say, you are doing just that. This too shall definitely pass and you’ll be a free bird in the near future. Big big hugs.

  7. Life is actually very unpredictable. One moment it will spring up a wonderful surprise for you and the other moment it will shock you… Writing has always been a very good stress buster for me and from what I can understand for you too…..

    I would just say AMEN to all your wishes of being free. May all of them come true soon.

    Take care

  8. Dear.. Somehow or the other, LIFE teaches you its very best in such hard ways..
    And from what I have read, You are a warrior… Keep fighting and taming your life so that you mould it exactly the way you want…
    May all your desires come true!! Be Happy and SMILE always!! :) :) :)

  9. I liked the header, in fact entire blog space.. its really put in an elegant and sober manner..
    And i feel u have not been sleeping well.. due to stress… so u have a very disturbed sleep.. and it can affect ur health
    Take care of urself, u have a daunting task before u.. prepare urself and fight it back!!
    All the best!!

  10. You are a strong person ME and this unpredictable life is only making you more stronger. With all the stress and work, you do need a vacation. Hope you and Pari have a mini-holiday real soon. Yes, you will attain that peace one day :)

    P.S This blog theme is pretty good!

  11. I would wish and pray for your peace of mind, ME. You are one of the most beautiful persons I have ever known. Loved the lines in your last paragraph – so true. Keep working towards your peace.. the day you will have a full night’s sleep is not very far.. I am sure, you will find the much needed peace and independence sooner..

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