Beyond indifference

In my journey of healing after a massive heartbreak, shocking separation and unbearable betrayal I have come across many milestones. From thoughts of self-harm to accusations to hatred to absolute indifference.

These days I am sensing another change in my reactions towards my soon-to-be-an-ex husband. It isn’t about love neither about hatred but somewhere in between or maybe even beyond them both.

From countless sources information about him keeps reaching me. Though I dislike having to think about him, but keeping track of one’s enemy is sometimes an advisable move in cases where one’s life has transformed to a game of chess.

On all those occasions, I have never seen myself wishing anything bad for him. Though I do not care about him or what he does with whom but still the knowledge of being associated with him sometime in my life is reason enough for me to let him be. I have no intentions of messing up with him or anyone in his life, but I don’t want to harm him either.

This feeling has been amusing me from a very long time. I have been skeptic about my own feelings and have been asking myself many why(s) to this new-found reaction.

On all those occasions, I felt very strongly that the harm he intended, the betrayal I suffered and the injustice he did to my little daughter are beyond forgiveness. But holding the grudge and indulging in negative thoughts for him wouldn’t undo the bad done to me and my daughter.

There is something about feelings that I have always felt very strongly. Be it negative or positive feelings, they tend to breed very rapidly and engulf our mind, our actions and many times cause far-reaching changes in the outcome of our efforts. Having said that, I try my level best to stay as positive as I can manage and avoid falling prey to the negative feelings.

I am not among the saintly souls who never feel frustrated, agitated or cheated. Neither do I never get terribly irritated at life’s unfairness on occasions I am forced to face situations for which I am (was) never ever responsible. This includes my disturbed financial situation. But still, I just want destiny to teach him a lesson for his deeds.

I want to leave him at the mercy of the courts to grant me justice and to penalize him for his sinful deeds. Keeping my conscience clear, my mind positive and hands clean seems to be the hidden motive behind my actions.

I might be loathed with doubts, but am clear of one small fact that this could be cause of any reason under the sun, except, out of love. For that is one emotion I no longer associate with him in any form. Not even to the happy times we once shared.

The song on my mind: Tujhe Bhula Diya ~ Anjaana Anjani

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24 thoughts on “Beyond indifference

  1. Hugs MyEra. You have come a long way and your feelings are fully justified. I am sure he will get what he deserves at the hands of the courts and God who never discriminates.

  2. The saintly souls say – It is best not to hate any person, why to give so much thought in hating anyone when they are not even worth enough to take up space in your mind. To implement this is darn difficult, but am glad you have done this :)

    Do not worry ME..the wrong-doers are always punished..sooner or later..in ways known and unknown

    Love to you and Pari

  3. This post only means that you are acting up all matured and yes, you are really good at heart. If I am in your shoes, I am not sure if I would have had the same feelings as you. Your indifference has indeed gone to another level. The thing is that you are not wishing him anything bad.. If this is for some kind of revenge, the thoughts would not have been like this.. but, all you want is freedom from the situation and from him. You are really a nice person, ME. I can only relate this to a simple example. If a bad person hurts you, you dont hurt him as a revenge, and if you do so then there isn’t any difference between you and him. Thats what you are showing in a very matured way.. not many ppl are like this.

  4. Hey ME, your approach to the whole situation is amazing..
    “Keeping my conscience clear, my mind positive and hands clean seems to be the hidden motive behind my actions.” – the right way to a better life ahead :)

  5. I can relate to it to quite an extent. This happens when the hurt is too much and you bear a lot of pain after which your senses feel numb. To any kind of emotion.

    I am loving your spirit….keep going…all that you want is not far away now.

    TC

  6. What you said about feelings and how they breed and engulf someone’s mind is just so true. Perhaps thats we are told not to give thought to such negativity even though it gnaws at our heart and mind continuously. You have reached this thought process after undergoing every experience by your own and I really am so proud to have met someone like you. I pray that you will stay untouched by negative forces and if any, you will have the power to conquer them :)
    And your belief, the quote by aldous Huxley is something I see in your writings, every single time.

    Hugs.

  7. It takes a lot of courage and willpower to fight such situations. Hats off to you Era, for being strong and positive amidst all this chaos.

    When loved ones backstab you, when they break your trust…it hurts one emotionally…and to recover from t hat is very difficult.

    My prayers are always there:)
    Take care
    Gayu

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