Background check

I have been thinking about this from a while. The thought process triggered when I read at a lot of places how family and society pressurize divorcee girls to go in for a second chance at getting married. Among countless issues to consider on this sensitive issue (for it is very different from getting married the first time) I have had a serious concern bothering me. Background check.

I totally understand a background check is a must before engaging in any kind of relationship (both personal as well as professional). But it comes with its due limitations. I mean one can approach common friends, talk to neighbors and if one can approach other common links to satisfy their queries before moving ahead. I personally have a messed up marriage impending divorce and from what I have seen personally, things look a little dubious as far background checking goes.

I’ll quote an example from my personal case to make my point clear. In my case, my soon-to-be-ex in-laws are trying every excuse under the sun to hide that this mess (the marriage on the verge of a divorce) exists. For those who have had the privilege of proximity to raise serious concerns, they(my in-laws) are answering the queries in a way to pose that their son (my husband) is tired of the way his wife behaves/or has a crazy family (and the like) but still is such a compassionate, loving person that he is lovingly waiting for his wife and child to return. How shattered my husband is by my indifferent behavior and the like just to arouse sympathy for himself and his family.

Having said that, one day when we’ll finally be divorced, I won’t be surprised if my husband tries to get married again. Find another goose that lays golden eggs. In that case my point of worry is, how can the family of a divorcee girl (and even a boy for that matter) come to find out the real reason why the boy/girl in question had moved out of the previous marriage?

I am implying to the real cause of separation. Whom do you believe and who do you ask to confirm that the person whom you/your dear one is going to marry a second time is the safe (I am not using the term right because for that there is no fixed criteria) match? I am keeping the possibility of prejudiced replies from the previous partners’ relatives if approached to seek answers about the reason of separation.

What do you think?

The song on my mind:

13 thoughts on “Background check

  1. I get what you mean.. Which is probably why a lot of second marriages are decided by the couple themselves rather than go the arranged marriage route.. One of my cousins, who got divorced, stayed single for 5 years or so, and then even when she met her now-husband, she took two years to decide… She was that scarred that she did not want to rush in at all.. And have to say – she does seem very happy now…

  2. I see this as going 2 ways:

    1. Usually divorces are never cordial. Either partner is bitter about the other person. We can never say what went wrong in a relationship or who was wrong… so in cases where an innocent person was framed by his/her in-laws/spouse, a background check may be very misleading!
    2. This could be a boon for severe non-compromisable issues like domestic violence… A spouse who loses his/her control and temper so much so that ends up beating the other person is not fit to live with anyone… Background checks will be a boon for such cases

  3. This is one of the biggest issues with the Indian arranged marriage system. Previously, horoscopes were genuinely matched to find out personality matches and relations/ family circle was used to find out the true background of the people and their families involved. But these days, all these methods are being abused to no end. No one speaks the truth and horoscopes are being matched to ‘influence’ bride/groom when other ‘factors’ are taken care of. But the solution is quite simple – Be true to yourself, and you will be able to find out the truth in others.

    Destination Infinity

  4. Background check is important,and both the parties will have or rather create (like you mentioned they already did) their own reasons as to why the separation happened and how the other party cheated/mistreated them..Some would be genuine,some would be made up.but how to validate what the truth is???I dont think i have an answer..

  5. Well, if you ‘ask’ people they will always give their ‘own opinions’ which has to be prejudiced. So, get to know the guy/gal yourself before you marry. As simple as that :)

  6. Very valid point, considering the current situation. I agree with what MoRs has to say. When you go for background checks with neighbours and common friends, they give you ‘their’ version of the story. It is always better to know the person you are considering as a potential life partner, and their families, personally.

  7. you are right their may be another gullible girl who might fall for the charm and spoil her life ..
    I dont know how that can be changed..

    I guess families shud try to find out everything from others about them .. the best way to do that is as kneighbours or find out with whom they are not friends then the truth will come out ..

    you take care.. sorry i missed a couple of ur articles

  8. Except in cases of cheating/abuse where one party is clearly the one at fault, it usually takes two people to break up a marriage. I’d be happy to get into a relationship with a guy who says, “I screwed up.”

    I plan to run from people who blame their spouse for everything.

  9. I echo the same thoughts as The Wild Child. And to add … I think everyone is different with different people. Different side of a personality comes out with different people. Doesn’t mean the person is has changed and neither that those things didn’t exist in him/her before, its just what the relationship cultivates into. So as long as there was no abuse or torture … there is hope for ‘second-hand-relationships’

  10. A very pertinent question and I dont have an answer. My Ex is and his family is doing exactly the same thing. Badmouthing me saying I am …whatever. He even put up a status on his FB against domestic violence! When he is guilty of it himself! How can you know the reality of a man. FB status messages are a sham, people close to Him have obviously a biased opinion then who do you trust? I guess your instinct and nothing else.

    1. I am in the same boat as you IY so I totally understand what you must have been experiencing. It’s a tough life, but trying to analyse and being prepared with handy answers should make the already tough ride little easier.

      I agree, gut instincts are the way to go, but sometimes we are too overwhelmed to listen to them.

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